In the collective imagination, thanks in part to the complicity of advertising and commercial interests, the Christmas holidays are laden with strong rhetoric: everyone should be good and happy, families reunite in a harmonious and joyful manner, the new year represent a decisive turning point of change…
In reality this is not the case. Many people find themselves living in a personal, social, economic and relational situation far removed from what they would like. Moreover, the festive atmosphere amplifies everything: family conflicts, economic difficulties, and shortcomings.
In a climate then that exalts good feelings and family harmony feeling negative emotions makes one feel uncomfortable, lonely and moreover somehow wrong.
This complexity applies to the individual and even more so to the delicate balance that is the basis ofcouple understanding.
During the holidays we spend more time together and inevitably there is an alteration of the usual routine, including closeness and sharing spaces. This can highlight impatience and intolerance as well as bring up issues that were never fully resolved and left unresolved.
In addition, commitments, deadlines (including social and friendship deadlines), a thousand things to prepare, organize, etc. certainly do not help to lower tension levels.
Who to give gifts to, how much to spend, what to buy, etc.: these are all circumstances in which friction lurks, ready to turn what should be (and may have been fantasized as) moments of understanding into occasions of conflict.
But the real “Black Beast,” the real danger is the with whom, where and how to spend the various festivities of the Holidays. For example, one of the most frequent reasons for quarrels in couples is deciding who to be with on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, etc.
Generally, each couple finds its own balance based on criteria such as alternating, bringing everyone together, or escaping abroad. Needless to say, there is no solution , but an infinite number of solutions as the result of careful and patient work to mediate and accommodate various needs and desires. Accommodation which, it is worth noting, always has costs anyway.
After all, outside of rhetoric, family celebrations are not always times of joy and love; in fact very often they are occasions of tension especially for those couples whose members are still entangled in dysfunctional dynamics with their families of origin. In fact, if the partners of the couple have failed to adequately separate from their family environment, they remain as prisoners in the search for reassurance or compensation or recognition. It rekindles jealousies, envy, feelings of exclusion, painful feelings that involve everyone a little bit crosswise and intertwined, most often silently, without any real explication of the conflict.
The Holidays then become an opportunity to bring these old frustrations to the surface and somehow pour them out on the partner. They thus run the risk of turning into the stage for a tragedy in which in the here and now of the banquet a text written long before is acted out, referring, just like myths, to past events and ancient characters.
It would feel like saying, Happy Holidays and … Handle with Care!
